Goodbye R

When I first met the love of my life, Katie, I liked to party. I liked to party a lot. After she and I realized that we wanted to build something together, she told me that I had to change. She said she fully understood that it was arrogant of her to make that declaration, but she didn't care. If I put anything up my nose or in my veins she would walk away, no matter how much she loved me or how long we had been together, she would not live with an addict. I thought long and hard and agreed. She was worth giving up the partying. I have never ever regretted the decision.It wasn't easy, but she helped me and loved me and I had a reason to clean up.My friend R had addictions. Over the years we have tried to give her a reason to clean up. I became her sponsor at Narcotics Anonymous. It has not been enough.She has wrecked cars, gotten into fights, stolen and said some of the most hurtful things she could come up with.Last night she took what we can only assume was a deliberate overdose. Her heart lost rhythm and she suffered a heart attack, the emergency room personnel tried but they could not revive her. She was not yet twenty-five.She and I were friends. We had some great times, before her addiction made her into another person. I loved her as a dear friend and I will miss the person she was, and saying those words makes me unbearably sad. I wish that I could celebrate my friend's passing into the next life and at the same time, mourn losing her, both with total abandon. Instead I am just sad. Sad for the waste, sad for the weakness and sad that there is a tiny spark of relief that it is over.Last April I said goodbye to my friend Bobby, he had been sick for a long time and he fought against the sickness, struggling for every single day and minute until his body was just tired and he finally let go and left us. I loved him and miss him.I am angry with R for throwing away what was so precious to Bobby.I have not been around much lately here on LJ. I'm sorry. Each and every one of you is precious to me and enrich my life. Thank you.Love to you all, Jess